Like many other partners, mine (N) is rather resistant to planning. We’d talked about having babies for a while. We’d both agreed it was in our life plan together. We hadn’t agreed on when.
I had a scare at my regular smear. It was irregular. Abnormal cells were found. I was invited back for further investigations. One of our good friends had only just received the all clear from her second recurrence of cervical cancer at under 35. Wonderfully she got her health but lost her chance of naturally conceiving in the process. The possibilities freaked me out.
Fortunately I was lucky. Nothing more sinister developed and I have since been told I have an immaculate cervix (I’ll add that to my CV). But that experience put a fire under me. Time and possibilities were not infinite.
I trapped my partner in a car on a 9 hour journey. By the time we reached our destination the pill went in the bin and we were on the road to ‘trying for a baby’. I spent that trip away in part blissful daydream. N and I were sharing in an exciting secret.
I was almost relieved when the next period arrived. I hadn’t quite got my head round the idea of having a baby yet it felt too abstract
I began sharing our ‘trying’ with a selection of close friends. The weeks passed and turned into months. Friends checked in at regular intervals. ‘Any news for us yet?’ ‘Just relax and keep trying it will happen’. At raised eyebrows I responded with ‘It’s not a baby it’s too many biscuits’ joining the laughter. But it just didn’t happen.
My partner had mumps when he was 21. It was bad. Our GP was great when she added that to how long we’d been trying and arranged for speedy tests.
So it was, that from my initial daydream I ended up on a freezing Edinburgh morning waiting, engine running, outside our flat for N to appear with a sample. When he arrived tub cozied into the pocket of his down jacket I quipped - “I hope you thought about me” “I only watched the ones with the blondes in it” Romance might be dwindling, but humour was alive and kicking. Laughter remains our backbone. If you can’t laugh….
It was the results of those tests that threw us into the brave new world of fertility. Of managed baby making seemingly outside of our control (which I hate!). I’m still struggling to navigate through it and would welcome and any thoughts or shared experiences as I continue to share my story with you. Daisy