Happy New Year everyone! 2017 marks a brave new year for N and I. If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll know that we’ve been torn between whether to go private for IVF and if our finances could possibly afford it. We were doing a lot of soul searching at the end of last year when we got an amazing an unexpected phone call. A lovely nurse from the hospital called to say that we were off the NHS waiting list and our treatment was being brought forward. I got the call on my mobile at work and luckily it was just me in the office.
I was completely overcome with a mix of emotions - elation, relief, surprise. I promptly burst into tears and had 5 minutes to call N and compose myself before heading into a meeting. I was less than focused during that meeting, I kept wanting to blurt out our news and I was desperate to get home. After what felt like a very long day in the office N and I went for a lovely meal and held hands over the table smiling at each other.
Since then, despite being a self-confessed control freak, it has been delightful to have someone take the logistics out of my hands. We had an appointment a week later with the consultant who talked us through everything with a dry wit which we both appreciated. The nurses at the hospital have all been completely lovely and nothing seems too much trouble. Our agonising over whether to bankrupt ourselves has gone for the time being and we can’t quite believe we’re about to start our IVF journey.
Over the next two months we have appointments to discuss hormone treatments and injections (!), take scans and ultimately start drugs and enter into worlds where words like 'harvesting' and 'blastocysts' are the norm.
Whilst excited, I am trying to be a 'pessimistic optimist' and manage my expectations. I keep telling myself the first try will not work and there’s still 70% more chance it will never work than it will - we are not home and dry yet. I think some friends find this a difficult approach but I’m just trying to be pragmatic to avoid the unavoidable crushing disappointment of IVF not working for us.
I’m also feeling an increasing sense of pressure. Once we, hopefully, have a fertilised embryo implanted it feels like it’s rather over to me. Having come so far on this journey I worry about the responsibility my body and I have to achieve our dream of having a baby.
Generally I’m an anxious. There’s only so much that reading can equip you for all this. It feels completely surreal to carry on planning work and holidays whilst in the back of your mind you’re figuring out where you’ll be in your treatment cycle. I know in March I’ll either be really happy or incredibly sad, it’s tricky to prepare for both outcomes.
We feel so blessed to be given this opportunity, anxious about the unknown and yet excited by what we hope it brings. If anyone has an experience of their treatment journeys they’d be happy to share I’d love to hear from you. I’ll keep you posted as ever of how things progress, and wish you all the best for your hopes and dreams in 2017.